Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Randomize
