that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
