the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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