Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
