im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
time to smoke my breakfast
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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