I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
