goodnight i made you a song goodbye
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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