So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
