i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Randomize
