remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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