I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
What a dumb baby whore.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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