it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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