I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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