Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
