I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.