I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
