And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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