just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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