apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
