Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear