I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
