i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Randomize
