Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
