I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
