Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
