I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
vagina is talking i cant
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
