i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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