dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
People with herpes should wear stickers.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
