Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
