Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
