Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
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he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
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My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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