Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
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