end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
