we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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