i permit you to call me
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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