I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize