I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
