The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
