WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
You can't special order awesome
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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