Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
