If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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