Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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