If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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