Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
