There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
