I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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