I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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