i wish my penis had a tongue
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
