we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
My pussy is not your playground.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Randomize
