I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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