Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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