My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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