Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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