i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
